Signs You're Dealing with a Passive Aggressive Person and What to Do About It

If you've ever walked away from an interaction feeling confused, maybe a little embarrassed or "in trouble," strangely unsure of yourself, and unable to quite name what just happened, then there's a good chance you were on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior.

It can show up in every type of relationship. At work. In friendships. With family. Sometimes with a partner. And it's genuinely one of the more disorienting relational experiences we can have, because the whole point of passive aggression is to confuse and mislead you. There's no acute conflict you can point to and say, "this is what happened." Instead, you're left wondering: What just happened? Why am I feeling this way? Am I reading into this? If I say something, will I look unreasonable?

That confusion isn't an accident. It's what passive aggression is designed to achieve.

What Passive Aggression Actually Looks Like

Passive aggression is aimed at two things: expressing emotion without the vulnerability of direct communication and achieving a sense of control rooted in the power imbalance that its own confusion naturally creates. Whatever negative emotion triggers it (resentment, jealousy and anger are common culprits), passive aggression is always rooted in a deep and crippling insecurity.

There's no single red-flag behavior that marks someone as passive-aggressive. It's more about noticing a pattern of experiences and feelings. But there are some recognizable forms it tends to take:

Mixed messages. Words and tone that don't match, such as a compliment delivered with an edge of sarcasm, or a sweetness that feels false. Words and body language that don't match, like when a microexpression contradicts what's being said. And words and behavior that don't match, like when someone agrees to do something and then simply...doesn't.

Convenient forgetting. This one shows up in couples. A partner is perfectly capable of remembering the things that matter to them, but somehow keeps forgetting the things that matter to you. One instance might just be forgetfulness. A pattern, especially alongside other passive-aggressive behaviors, is worth paying attention to.

Teasing or hurtful humor. According to the Gottmans, healthy humor in relationships builds connection, relieves tension, and is a genuinely useful conflict de-escalation tool. But when humor carries a tinge of contempt, defensiveness, or sarcasm, we feel it…and it damages relationships. If a friend or partner jokes about subjects you've said are sensitive or off-limits, gets too intimate or personal in front of others, or keeps going even though it clearly upsets you, you may be in passive-aggressive territory.

Double standards. Rules, boundaries, and expectations apply to you, but when the passive-aggressive person's own feelings or needs are on the line, those same standards go out the window. There's usually an excuse or justification for their behavior, an expectation that you'll forgive and let it slide, and no accountability, apology, or promise of changed behavior going forward. When it comes to you, though, they're often operating from a hostile attribution bias (assuming malicious intent) and expecting you to absorb that narrative and carry the burden of resolving it. This often looks like saying and doing all the "right" things until you can “make” them feel better.

Stonewalling. The silent treatment. Being talked around in a group setting rather than talked to. Awkwardly long pauses before responding to you. Pretending not to hear you. Emails or texts that go unanswered or unacknowledged. Being quietly left out of a meeting you should have been part of. Exclusion and stonewalling are a form of communication too.

Playing the victim. Passive-aggressive people tend to blame others for their own emotional landscape rather than reflecting on the story they're telling themselves they say things like “you’re making me feel this way." This victim mentality requires someone else to play rescuer or villain, and that someone becomes you. Some people even have a pattern of sabotaging their own happiness: the closer you get, the more meaningful or positive an event, the more likely their insecurity is to surface as a passive-aggressive attack. If you often find yourself feeling guilty, apologizing, or trying to "make it up" to someone even though you didn't actually do anything wrong, you may be dealing with passive aggression.

Shaming. This one shows up so often in codependent dynamics. It can look like an exaggerated reaction to something mundane, like making a request, receiving praise or positive attention, or just plain ol' practicing healthy self-care. What it sounds like: "Do you really need that?", "Wow, look who's treating herself," or even "It's not all about you." You know the "who do you think you are" tone. It's often done in front of others, raising the cost of pushing back. It often implies you've violated some social norm everyone else understands, which is especially disorienting because it's unfalsifiable. In all cases, it creates a feeling of shame. And in all cases, it's actually about the passive-aggressive person's own jealousy as they watch you do what they don't allow for themselves.

If you’d like to know more about codependency, comment below.

If there's one thread underneath all of this, it's: trust your gut. If someone's kindness doesn't feel safe, if closeness with them feels uneasy, if conflict resolution with them is one-sided, if their reassurances ring hollow or carry an edge of contempt, those feelings are data. You don't need a perfect, airtight case before you're allowed to notice something is off. And when a relationship doesn't feel good to you or for you, you don't need to justify that to yourself, and you certainly don't owe them that justification either.

Why People Do This

I have real compassion for people who communicate this way, because I understand that underneath passive aggression usually lies very old, very deep relational wounding, often genuine attachment trauma.

Sometimes their insecurity sounds like: I shouldn't feel this way, my feelings are inappropriate. I shouldn't ask for what I need, my needs are selfish or a weakness. I'm not allowed to take up space or have conflict. Sometimes it's about power or control, a need to feel confident or appreciated in a situation where they feel overwhelmed, out of control, or anxious. And sometimes it's simply triggered by feeling threatened or jealous.

I've come to believe that awareness of one's own passive-aggressive behavior exists on a continuum. Not everyone who behaves this way is aware they're doing it. For some, it's simply all they've ever known in relationships, and it's become normalized. They don't know another way to communicate their feelings. Others are what I'd call semi-conscious of it. They have an inkling, but move through their days actively avoiding a good, hard, reflective look at what's really driving them. And others are fully aware, and are, well, just bullies. If you're wondering where the passive-aggressive person in your life falls on this continuum, look at the patterns in their own relationships. Are those relationships stable? Do they have many close friends? Do they self-reflect, and do they show real self-awareness? Does that self-awareness ever lead to a genuine attempt at changed behavior?

Passive aggression is essentially the opposite of — and a protection against — vulnerability. If assertiveness sits in the middle of a continuum between aggression and passivity (apparently, I like a good continuum; I have several infographics to prove it), I'd argue assertiveness is our pathway to real connection. Passive aggression, then, is often how the willfully unhealed, or simply unaware, dance around the very connection they both crave and fear. It's tragic, honestly. But we can understand what passive aggression is, empathize with why someone acts this way, and still draw a hard line and refuse to tolerate it.

What Passive Aggression Does to Relationships

Passive aggression breeds avoidance. If you notice yourself sharing less and less, giving up hope that conflict can lead to resolution, keeping secrets, or feeling afraid to share your true feelings, essentially losing your voice over time, you may be dealing with passive aggression. Emotionally safe relationships naturally grow vulnerability and intimacy. The moment passive aggression enters the chat, that opportunity is replaced with emotional withdrawal. Because passive aggression, by its very nature, leaves no space for you to show up safely as yourself.

How to Actually Deal With It

This is where it helps to think in levels, because not every relationship calls for the same response. A coworker, a mother-in-law, a sibling, a spouse, these are different categories of relationship, and the right response depends on how much closeness is both possible and desired.

First, take your power back. I often think of a scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Buffy and the gang are trapped in a frat house turned haunted house, and all their fears have come to life. When they finally summon the demon mastermind behind the chaos, it rises from the earth standing a mere few inches tall. Apparently, no one read the "actual size" footnote in their handy demon manual. As it hurls threats at Buffy in a high, helium-pitched voice, she simply stomps on it. The lesson of course is that our fears, and our bullies, often seem larger and more threatening than they actually are. That's how I want you to think about the passive-aggressive person in your life.

Next, name what's happening. The next time you're ignored in a group, instead of thinking "Why are they treating me this way?" or "What did I do wrong?" shift to "Ah, this is how they conduct themselves. This tells me something about them." If someone is being passive-aggressive toward you, that's a reflection of their emotional intelligence, their communication skills, their own wounded internal world, not evidence that you're less-than or at fault. Naming that for yourself takes some of the intimidation and shame out of the moment and makes it much easier to think clearly about what to do next.

Level One: Limit Interactions Whenever Possible

For relationships where closeness isn't realistic or desired, such as a difficult coworker or an in-law you see twice a year, the most useful tool is often simply not engaging. Ask to be moved off a project. Don't get cornered alone in a room with the person. Have an exit plan ready. Sometimes the healthiest move is genuinely just limiting your exposure.

Level Two: Ignore It (When Interactions Are Inevitable)

Not every behavior demands a response. Passive-aggressive behavior is grounded in manipulation and aimed at provoking a reaction, so preserve your power by simply not giving your bully what they're looking for. If they offer a backhanded compliment, thank them. If they tease you, laugh along. Defensiveness only entraps you in a power struggle. Refusing to play by their rules is a legitimate, protective choice for relationships that were never going to offer real safety anyway.

Level Three: Be Assertive (For the Relationships Worth Your Energy)

For people you want to stay close to, like a partner, close friend, or sibling you love, it's worth trying something more vulnerable. Here are two assertiveness scripts that help:

Naming the discrepancy. "You've been such a great friend to me in so many ways. I've also noticed that when we're around so-and-so, you tend to tease me in front of them. I'm curious what that's about." Or: "We agreed you'd follow up by Thursday, and that didn't happen. What's going on there?" You're simply naming the gap between words and actions, without attacking.

Naming the feeling. More vulnerable still: "When you tease me like that, I feel really embarrassed and hurt." How someone responds to that kind of honesty tells you a lot about how emotionally safe they actually are.

If you'd like to learn more about how to differentiate healthy, assertive communication from emotion-dumping or communication that escalates conflict, let me know in the comments.

Level Four: Advocate for Yourself (Especially in Workplace Settings)

If the passive aggression persists, get yourself some support. Talk to a therapist. If it's a workplace bully, go to HR or enlist the mediation of someone with authority. Arrange to have witnesses the next time you're around them. Document their behavior and be specific.

Level Five: Practice Warm Distancing (When You Can't Cut Them Out Completely)

Sometimes you're not ready, or simply can't, remove someone from your life entirely. Maybe they're a parent, and you don't want their behavior to cost you holidays with the siblings you love. Maybe they're part of a friend group you adore, a neighbor, or a coworker you can't stand at a job you otherwise love. Whatever the reason, you can act with respect and kindness without sacrificing your peace. You can stay calm, polite, and professional without granting emotional access. Because access to you, and to your inner emotional world, is a privilege that's earned. Withdrawal, distance, and privacy aren't coldness or inauthenticity; they're boundaries. You can empathize with someone without over-investing. You can be kind without sacrificing yourself. You can distance without rejecting someone. Understanding those nuances is a hallmark of emotional maturity.

Level Six: Run (When You Can)

Let's be direct. Passive aggression runs deep. It's rooted in wounds so old that change can be slow, difficult, and, frankly, limited. It depends on the passive-aggressive person's self-awareness, willingness to face their own shadow, and emotional intelligence, all of which are typically in short supply wherever passive aggression is present. Above all: you cannot control it, and you cannot change it. So whenever you're able to, run. Of course, plenty of relationships and situations make that far from simple. And if you're reading this, you probably want to know you've done everything you reasonably can to find a solution first. That instinct is a virtuous one that will serve you well in the relationships and with the people in your life who are safe, who practice accountability, and who navigate conflict with grace and maturity.

The Bottom Line

You can't make someone else stop being passive-aggressive. But you can decide to be the person who shows up authentically anyway, who names the discrepancy, who says the uncomfortable true thing, who creates the kind of safety that makes directness possible. That's courage. It's also, in the relationships worth keeping, the path to true, fulfilling connection.

- Kathleen